Christmas Reflections
I decided to write about Christmas 2021 instead of doing of a monthly reflection. Christmas, as a whole, is such a whimsical & bittersweet topic this year and wanted to honor those feelings and create a space to reflect on the complex feelings I have this year.
Christmas is Christ’s birthday and to me it’s also about unity, acts of kindness, family and friends and steadfast love for not just our kin but our neighbor. I think of so many small, joyous moments that are magical and glowing in my head like an ornament. Pretty wrapping paper with bows of twine and ribbon, trees lit up with white lights and vintage ornaments that hold distinct memory no matter how chipped and worn they may have become. I think of my young eyes being lit up with wonder and joy looking at my grandparent’s tiny nativity set. I think of tinsel, white candles and mistletoe.
Last year, COVID took over the world. The holidays became something incredibly foreign to me - instead of togetherness it was Zoom calls and masked up visits on the other side of a door. Many celebrities waxed poetic about COVID being a time of bread baking, learning new languages and appreciating the stillness of life but by the holidays it was hard to see the positives. The yearning to be around family and friends and for normalcy was so strong.
On top of a slew of precautions, I struggled immensely with health anxiety through this landscape of COVID. I wrote The Strength Within which honestly was a watered down, poetic take on my mental health from Late October-December of 2020. Health anxiety is an obsessive and irrational worry about having a serious medical condition. I’ve always struggled with anxiety but this particular onslaught of fears of my health was the absolute worst corners of anxiety I have ever felt. I luckily found a wonderful therapist, psychologist and talked to my general practitioner to find holistic ways to work through my anxiety along with taking an anti-depressant called Lexapro.
Last year I was not able to see my dad’s side of the family as I usually do for Christmas Eve but did see my mom and brothers for Christmas. This holiday, I was hoping to see everyone but the surge in COVID changed all that. My mom, despite being vaxxed and boosted and wearing masks, has COVID. Many family members are just staying put out of health concerns. I don’t think not seeing family really ever becomes “the new normal” but I learned how to power through with virtual calls, seeing friends and being honest with my feelings of sadness. Of course I’m sad I can’t see my mom for Christmas but what matters is her health and keeping everyone healthy. I still had a nice day, was it as joyous as years prior? No. Was it full of terror like last year? Absolutely not. I try to find joy in cozy moments and in creative projects. I like finding new traditions I can take with me and being able to connect to those who also are missing their family. I try to look at it like restful solitude instead of isolation and am blessed with the family and friends I was able to see and talk to this year.
It’s very different from the Christmas’ of yesteryear full of magic and family. It feels quieter, lonelier at times but the hope that next year will be better keeps me going. It’s about finding those magic moments in the quieter times, the ability to create and connect despite the obstacles. I know despite this 5th surge of COVID my spirit has not dampened. I feel a serenity I lacked last year and rest in faith and prayer that my mom will be restored to full health.
I hope you had a joyous Christmas!
