A Short Birthday Memoir

Somewhere between the magic of hazy youth to the dizzying fun of cocktails at downtown bars I started to feel less celebratory and more ready to hide under a blanket fort of fear.

What will aging look and feel like? I know losing my father when he was 40, made me feel so unsure of each year after 18. I constantly thought of mortality and each year was no longer a celebration of life but a slow march to death. I knew I was thinking in such a morbid state of mind but couldn't shake these fears until I started opening up in therapy.

I was able to lay out my fears of aging - it all came down to death and dying. Even the nuanced fear of aging as a woman - what it "means" in society and what it should look like - all came down to (atleast for me) mortality. It’s still a lot to process and shake out but the panic attacks are less and less and washed over me was gratitude and acceptance.  I am in my thirties and that does NOT have to be a scary place to be!

Am I completely "healed" from these thoughts - absolutely not. I struggle with using preventative aging methods like botox to smooth any lines on my face and having the occasional panic attack about life and death - then I see people embracing aging and enjoying their life and not worrying about what’s to come.

One thing I have learned is that all this is ephemeral. I have known too many people, cared for too many people who didn't live to their 30th birthday. It reminds me that yes, the glare and focus of birthday celebrations can feel awkward but it's a reminder of life, that I'm still here and the people around me who are celebrating are here too. And that's reason enough to feel the magic again.